Loneliness
by Miss Pontmercy
Summary: Is it fair to be left without a goodbye? Cosette copes with her pain after her father leaves, with the help of Marius. Pro Cosette! This is my first musical based Les Miz fanfiction... please review!
1. The News

**Musical-Based (well... that's why it's in the Musical category...) My first musical based LM fanfic! Hope you like! In case any of you have read "Cosette's Nerves," this is also about the night before her wedding, but there is NO CONNECTION. 'Kay. That's it. I own nothing. Thanks for reading... hope you enjoy!!! Please review!**

* * *

Cosette heard the door shut and emerged from her bedroom. It was seven o'clock at night, and she would be married the next day. It sounded like Marius had just left to go back to his house. After the barricades, once he had finally recovered, Marius found himself another home in place of the apartment he had shared with Courfeyrac. He visited every day and often ate dinner with Cosette and her father, and tonight was no exception. She had already changed into her nightgown, and was tying the sash of her dressing gown as she walked out of her bedroom. She knew her papa would be sitting in his favorite chair by the fireplace. She started talking as soon as she was out of her room, walking towards the living room.

"Papa- I was just thinking. We've never had any blue flowers in the garden. Why don't you-" she stopped then in surprise, seeing that it was not, in fact, her papa in the chair by the fireplace, but Marius. She blushed in embarassment, concious of the six inches of bare, white skin from her legs down to the floor not hidden by her short nightdress, and the thin fabric that was translucent in certain lights. She went about like this when she and her papa were staying in for the night, and was not prepared for Marius to see her. But Marius was looking down at his hands. "Oh- I thought I heard you leave," she said softly.

He looked up and she saw a pained look in his eyes. "Cosette..." He looked like he was choking on his words, and couldn't find what to say. "Your father left."

She wrinkled her brow in confusion. "Oh. Where did he go? Funny to leave now," she thought aloud. Looking about the room, she saw nothing unusual, except that her father's traveling coat was not hanging on the rack beside the door. "Why did he take that coat? He couldn't have been planning to be gone long." She looked back and Marius, and saw he had taken his face in his hands. She remembered hearing the door close, and knowing now that it was her father leaving made it sound wrong somehow. He had never left without saying goodbye, even if he was headed to the post office. "Marius, what happened?" she added seriously. Something was wrong, and she could feel it in the pit of her stomach.

"He's not coming back," Marius said gravely, still not looking at her. When he did, his eyes were sad. "Sit down, Cosette."

She took a seat in the chair facing opposite, moving mechanically. Slowly Marius told her that her father had gone away on a journey without saying where he was going. He would not be back soon. The words seemed to not process correctly in Cosette's mind.

"No," she said automatically, shaking her head patiently. "You must have heard wrong. He would never leave without saying goodbye."

Marius looked at her again, and it seemed to pain him to finish. "He said that it would be too sad to say goodbye. That he loved you too much." Marius' voice broke. "I'm... so sorry, Cosette."

She shook her head again, but even as she did, she knew that what Marius said was true. Though she always loved her father's eccentricities, she had noticed them, of course. Without many other children to compare herself with, she thought that most fathers must do the same strange things that her father had. But she had still noticed certain things that she knew most father's wouldn't do- move so frequently, for instance. And sometimes they would be out enjoying the evening, until all the sudden they had to go home, and she never got an explanation. She could only remember that each time this happened, someone seemed to recognize them from somewhere.

Her father was odd. She had accepted it. In fact, she loved it. But, odd as she knew he was, she never expected him to do this. Leaving her on the eve of her wedding without saying goodbye was (as much as she hated to admit it) cruel. She would only forgive him if he came to see her. Despite herself, she let a sob break through her silence, and many tears started to pour from her eyes.

Marius got up and kneeled next to her, putting a hand on her back as she cried.

"Why wouldn't he stay and see us married? Or at least say goodbye?" She wiped her tears, but that was useless as more just fell afterwards.

"I don't know," he whispered and rubbed his hand in circles soothingly, not knowing what else to do.

All at once, Cosette was hit with an overwhelming sense of loneliness. It threw her, and at first she did not know what to make of it. But little by little it made more sense to her: how many times had she been left in her life? She wasn't sure, but it was too many. And now her father had left her, and for years he had been everything to her. Her only companion, the first person to truly love her (though she supposed her mother must have, too. Or at least that's what her father told her). He was the person who taught her to read, planted flowers with her, let her buy the dresses she liked, and took her for long walks outside.

Had he not cared enough to say goodbye? Or was it really what Marius had said, and that he loved her too much? Cosette couldn't say for sure, but she knew one thing: she loved her father and she loved Marius. And if she had to leave, she would say goodbye. Even if it was painful for her, that's what she knew she owed them. Her father owed her a goodbye, at least.

She could not bear to be left again. Not without breaking.


	2. Tears

"Marius?" she whispered, and met his eyes. She wanted to ask him something, but was embarrassed to say it, lest it make her sound like a child. She blushed.

"Yes, darling?" He spoke tenderly, and she was pushed to move on.

"I was wondering if you could stay here tonight? I'm just worried I'll be terribly lonely-"

He held up his hand once she tried to explain herself. "Of course I will." When he was sick, he had slept there for many months. Even once he was better, he had stayed in the guest bedroom until he found a place of his own. The room had essentially become his.

After he accepted, Cosette felt a rush of relief. "Thank you," she whispered, squeezing his hand.

"Anything."

For a few minutes they sat in silence. Despite Marius promising to stay that night, Cosette felt her tears continue to ebb and flow, ebb and flow, until she couldn't stand the cycle any longer and was getting embarrassed by her behavior. _I've got to get myself under control,_ she told herself. _I'm getting married tomorrow, with or without my father. _She wiped away her tears and, though she had always hoped to be escourted down the aisle by her father, she had no choice but to do it alone. And if this was the price she had to pay to marry Marius, so be it.

"I should go to bed," she said, standing up. "We both have a very important day ahead of us." They smiled at each other, and she felt happy for the first time since Marius had told her the news. "I'll just go tell the housekeeper that you're staying, and she can light the fire in your room. I think everything else is still in order." As always, once Cosette had a task to set her mind on, she felt better. For the next couple minutes, she bustled about with a concentrated look on her face, making sure everything was alright for Marius to stay the night. Watching her, Marius felt a rush of affection and protectiveness. Despite himself, he felt anger to her father for making her hurt this way, for he could see that even in her small actions she was feeling broken. He recognized the tone in her voice from when she busied herself with his recovery, and would speak under her breath to him. Though he was still sick, there were memories he had of Cosette patting his forehead with a wet cloth, and smoothing his bedclothes.

Right before she went upstairs to retire, Marius reached for her forearm and pulled Cosette to him, watching her eyes widen in surprise before she smiled up at him.

"Goodnight," he whispered, and kissed her lightly on the cheek. A wisp of her brown hair had come undone from the loose braid that she had wound her hair into, and he tucked it behind her ear, enjoying the blush that played across her cheeks.

"Goodnight," she whispered back. "I'll see you tomorrow..."

Closing the door behind her, Cosette slipped between the sheets of her bed. She was not worried about Marius seeing her tomorrow: customs said they weren't supposed to. But she knew from the other nights he had spent in her house that she woke earlier than he did. She planned on leaving early for the church, so she could get ready there. She wold probably be gone once he woke up.

She tried to read a book for awhile to get her mind on other things, but it didn't work. Either she would think about the coming day (and night, of course) and her stomach would clench in nerves and excitement, or she would think of her father and her mind would cloud over in sadness. Finally she gave up and blew out her candles.

Her thoughts were a tangles snarl in her brain. _Papa.._ she would think, and tears would spill over her eyes. Then she would roll over and try to think of something else. _What if I trip and fall in the aisle tomorrow?_ She asked herself, thinking it was a perfectly innocent question. _Someone will catch me,_ she assured herself. But then she thought, further._ It won't be papa. He won't be there. _She could see his face, as though the picture was permanently etched inside her eyelids: the kind creases around his eyes, tufts of white hair, his large arms perfect for enveloping her in a warm hug. Now that she was alone, she had no reason to keep her emotions in check. Slowly but steadily, the tears flowed, until her cheeks were very wet, and the pillowcase was as well. She turned the pillow over so that it was dry, buried her face into it to muffle the sounds, and started to sob. For many minutes or hours- she wasn't sure- Cosette lay alone crying and trying to explain to herself why her father had left her. Her eyes stung from the tears and her throat was scratchy. She tried hugging the pillow closer to her, but no matter what she did, she only felt more and more alone.

The night before her wedding, she was supposed to be obsessing over the next day. She was supposed to be worried about her wedding night, and thinking over what she was supposed to do the following day. But instead she was not acting like a bride. A part of her was glad that these petty worries had been taken away. her father leaving had put everything into perspective, and any qualms about the next twenty-four hours were meaningless. She was marrying Marius, after all, and there was nothing to worry about. What those worries had been replaced with, however, was a different matter altogether.

_How could he do this?_

She was suddenly gripped with the unshakable desire to see Marius. He would be asleep by now, surely? _I'll just quietly go into his room and see if he's awake. If he's not, I'll be sure not to wake him up,_ she told herself. She secretly hoped he was asleep. All she wanted to do was see him, and if he was asleep, then no questions would be asked. And he was the only person who could make her feel better right now.

Tiptoeing out of bed and not bothering with a candle, she slipped from her bedroom and made her way down the hall. She hadn't put anything on her feet, and they were growing cold very quickly. She shivered. Sneaking out of bed like this reminded her of when Marius was sick: she would spend nearly all day at his bedside, leaving only for meals. She would watch his face for signs of life until late into the night, when her father would come in and make her go to bed. But as soon as Cosette was sure he was asleep, she would sneak back into Marius' room and lay next to his weak and unconscious form, praying for him to wake up. On more than one occasion she had fallen asleep there, only to wake early in the morning and rush back into her bedroom before her father could find her.

It seemed that every memory she had- even those of Marius- were touched with memories of her father. Even her memories of her and Marius in the garden where they spoke for the first time reminded her of her papa: after all, her father was the one she had spent most of her time with in that garden.

She cracked open the door and slipped inside.

"Cosette?" came Marius' whisper from across the room.


	3. Coping

Cosette blushed in the dark, taking a step back.

"Hello," she whispered. She could make out his outline and a few features from the light in the fireplace, but his face was concealed in darkness. "I, umm... couldn't sleep."

He could hear the surprise in her voice, and it occured to him that she did not expect him to be awake. "Cosette, why do I get the feeling you've done this before?"

She relaxed upon hearing his calm tone of voice. "Because I have. Almost every night when you were sick, I came in here to make sure you were alright."

When he tried, he remembered hearing her whisper to him, and wanting desperately to respond. He remembered feeling her cool hands on his face and neck, trying to calm him. But he wasn't sure if that really happened, of if he had dreamt her presence. "Why don't you come here?" he whispered, patting the bed next to him. Cosette hesitated, and he felt the tension in the air for a second. "Oh, Cosette! Trust me a little, alright?"

Mollified, she skipped towards his bed and laid down next to him, pressing her freezing feet onto his, causing him to yelp. "Sorry!"

"Your feet are freezing!"

She squirmed up next to him, rest her head on his chest and breathing in the scent of him mixed with the cotton of his nightshirt. Instantly she felt better and sighed, closing her eyes.

"Are you going to be alright?" he whispered so quietly she could barely hear.

"Yes... as long as _you_ don't leave me!" she spoke flippantly and poked him, but he heard through the frivolous tone of her voice.

"Don't worry," he said seriously. "I'm not going anywhere."

She kept quiet, but nodded into his chest. She no longer felt quite so lonely. "Are you excited?"

"For tomorrow?"

"Of course; what else?" she giggled, and felt him press his face into her hair.

"I've been waiting a long time for this," he said simply.

Eventually, with just a bit more idle talk, they fell asleep in each others arms.

The sun streamed through the gauzy curtains the next morning, and Marius felt the warmth on his face. Last night was one of the happiest night's he'd ever spent, and he let his thoughts dwell for a short while on the night that was coming fast upon him, and would likely eclipse all the other night's he'd spent with Cosette. Before now he had wondered about how nervous she would be, but now he knew that there would not be an issue. The strong bond of companionship and trust they had brought them together, and awkwardness was pretty much impossible. Before opening his eyes, he rolled over and reached to wrap his arm around her. But she was not there.

He opened his eyes and sat up and found he was alone in the room. On his left, a tray of food was balanced on the bedside table, along with a note.

**_Dear Marius,  
Good morning! I hope you slept well (I know I did). I am leaving for the  
church at nine o'clock, _****_so don't you dare leave this room before then!  
_****_Here's some breakfast. Make sure you eat enough so that you're  
not hungry until later-I'm not sure there will be much time to  
eat until after the ceremony._**

Marius laughed, rolling his eyes toward the ceiling. Did she think that he couldn't feed himself? But he could get used to her doting...

**_Anyway... I'll see you at the church (my heartbeat is picking up  
already!). I'll be counting the minutes._**

**_All my love, and lots more,  
Cosette_**

He smiled, feeling very happy. If her note was any indication, she seemed cheerful enough this morning. He hoped, no matter what had happened the night before, that this would be a joyous day for her. He folded the note and put it down, and picked up a fork to eat his breakfast.


	4. Death

The coach rattled beneath her feet, and she felt as though her stomach was dropping out of her body. Her vision was swimming in and out of focus, and a horrible sickness was threatening to overtake her.

Her father was dead.

How could it be? Just the morning before, she had kissed him on the forehead and he had seemed fine. Or had he? _Maybe I've just been thinking about myself too much, and he's been suffering for months and I haven't even noticed,_ she told herself, knowing that was probably right. Her head was pounding, and the rattling of the carriage did nothing to help. Despite trying to hold back, her tears dripped off the end of her nose and landed onto the voluminous skirts of her wedding dress. Sighing, she wiped her tears and tried to think of something, anything, other than her father's death. If she kept thinking about it, she would go hysterical here in the carriage. _Just wait until you're home,_ she told herself._ Just hold it in for a little while longer._

Just when she felt she could take it no longer, the fiacre pulled up in front of their new home. She looked up, wiped away any stray tears that happened to fall, and followed Marius out of the fiacre. He held out his hand to help her down, and she did not let go as they walked in silence into their home. Once the door behind them was closed and locked, the sobs that had been threatening to break free escaped from her. She leaned back against the door and buried her face into her hands. It seemed that just a few days ago, her life had spun out of control. She had a routine going, a routine she liked. She spent her days with Marius and with her father, her two favorite people.

She knew her father was old. But it never occured to her that one day he would be gone. To Cosette, who loved him so much, it seemed positively abominable for him to die like this, right in the midst of all her happiness. He was the one person who had never left her, ever. The one person who was always there for her when she was hurting. The person to keep her steady, keep her sane and happy. When Marius was sick, her father was the only one who could pry her away from his bedside for even an hour. And she knew she would not have moved for anyone else.

She felt arms close around her, and at first she cringed away from Marius' embrace- she only wanted her father right now. But then the hurt became too much, and she felt guilty for turning away on him. She leaned into his arms and sobbed against his clean white shirt, freshly pressed for the wedding.

_The wedding..._

She stepped back and into Marius' dark tear-filled eyes with her red, sore ones, and the pressure of everything started pounding down on her. She felt her eyes widen in terror. _Are we supposed to go to bed together tonight? Do I have to? Will he _make _me? And then am I planning Papa's funeral tomorrow? _She couldn't think about all that. Marius just hugged her tighter, and she just rested her faith on him, trusting that he wouldn't make her do anything she didn't want.

Her life would be different now, she knew. But it would have been different anyway. She tried to tell herself that she wouldn't have seen as much of her father now that she was married anyway, but she knew it wasn't the same. _Not seeing him by choice is different than not being able to see him, because he's dead._

She shook those thoughts from her mind. Imagining her father, cold and dead laying in a church morgue somewhere, was too much to bear.

"I'm going to- umm," she blushed. She was trying to say that she was going to get ready for bed, but she didn't know how to make it clear that she couldn't sleep with him tonight. It wasn't because she didn't want to, she knew- it was because she couldn't possibly deal with another major event in one night. Two was enough for her. She couldn't see how she wouldn't be able to keep herself from crying long enough to even begin, either. But she also didn't want to hurt his feelings, and she had to be careful when telling him all this. "I'm going to get ready to, um... go to bed."

He nodded, and she turned away, still not sure. The problem wasn't solved.

But she changed out of her gown and mechanically hung up her dress very carefully so as not to wrinkle the silk. When she stepped out of the small dressing room off to the side of the bedroom, she saw Marius sitting on the bed, his jacket off and his cravat untied. He was looking down, but she still blushed, and her heart picked up speed in a slight panic: it was time to say something.

"Cosette," he began, speaking for her. He looked up through sad eyes, and she was touched that he was so upset by her father's death. "I want you to know I feel terrible. Awful, in fact, and I can understand if you're angry with me. I- I didn't know your father saved my life, I had no idea-!"

"Neither did I, Marius," she sat down next to him. "From what you told me, there wasn't much of a way either of us could have prevented him from leaving."

Marius shrugged, still angry with himself.

"I just," she shook her head. "I can't believe he's _gone. _That I'll never see him again. Even last night, when you told me he'd left, I believed that he would come back one day. I couldn't imagine a time when he wouldn't be near me, somewhere at least. I don't know what I'm going to do without him!"

Marius turned away, wiping his sleeve across his cheeks to get rid of the tears. He didn't look back at her, and she worried that she might have hurt his feelings. She realized what he must have read in her words, and she felt bad. She rested her head on Marius' shoulder.

"Marius," she whispered, but he still looked away. "Marius." He turned towards her, and she smiled lightly. "I love you." She felt him kiss the top of her head, and she closed her eyes, burying her face into his shoulder. Maybe, if she just stayed like this, it would all go away. She'd open her eyes and she would hear her father rummaging in the kitchen...

But when opened her eyes, she heard nothing new, and saw nothing except the black fabric of Marius' jacket. She looked up at him again, hoping to see some indication that he knew what she was about to tell him. Sometimes he could tell- she hoped this was one of those times.

"Cosette..." he looked at her carefully, as though he was trying to read her very complicated facial expression. Then he sat back a little, understanding. "Cosette- we don't have to do anything tonight. No one will know."

She sighed in relief. "Thank you so much. I was hoping you'd understand; I don't think I'm ready to do _anything _at the moment."

* * *

That night, she dreamt that she was sitting alone in her living room, when she looked up to see her father, looking calm and happy, the wrinkles in his face gone.

"Father, are you happy?" she asked. He just smiled. She stood up to embrace him, but no sooner had her hands reached out than he had faded away.


End file.
